Wake Reason
by phwee yami hobo
Summary: Song fic written to Wake (reason) by Dir en Grey, a member of Weiss muses about his life and his love


Disclaimer: Owned by my god Takehito Koyasu, and some other not quite so important people

Author: Phwee/Redragon

Warnings: Suicide, Death (because of suicide...how redundant)

Rated: PG-13/R

Chapters: 1/1

Summary: Song fic written to Wake by Dir en Grey, a member of Weiss muses about his life and his love

Pairing: Yoji/Ken

I know there is no reason for me to be here anymore, even if there ever was one. I have no place, no purpose, no light. I'm the white, I fight for all that is light yet I creep through darkness with the ease that only comes from familiarity, can you explain that. You felt it; you could feel the darkness creeping from the shadows you could feel the oppressive black. We might have made it, maybe one day we could have rode off into the sunset together, maybe that could have happened. Your not moving anymore, and I'm not going alone.

I'm here in my room; the smoke from my cigarette hangs like a cloud around me, obscuring the light from the moon outside.

_August 5th Saturday, Not a cloud in the sky  
From the top floor of the building,  
when I came to, I was bidding farewell  
August 3rd Thursday, The wounds to my heart, the sixth wound,  
I'm torn to shreds, I'll be completely destroyed, everything. _

They worry about me, so soon after your death and I'm taking the hardest, they don't know half of what is going on. Omi feels for all and is dealing with the pain you brought, Aya is a different story, he goes on, I can't seem to tell his emotion, he could be sad or he could care less. He can't feel the darkness, he is the shining light, Omi knows he is being overcome by the black, can't breath, it slowly drowns you in your own thoughts. You? well your gone you don't feel anything now do you. Are you bathed in shining light? Angel raised to heaven for all you have done, or devil plummeted to hell for all the blood that just wont come off. It stains my hands like it did yours, seeping liquid blackness.

We might have made it, scarred hurt, irrevocably fucked up but we could have gotten out. Then you just couldn't take it anymore, the weight of the past the lives that you stole for a little more time, your soul just couldn't handle the decomposing faces that scream at you from the shadows. Beckoning you to them, like an old friend; we knew them better then we knew real people they were our kind- the shadows; our kind our victims. What better word to describe us as victims of our own fate, unable to change unable look back for the pain is to great, unable to look forward for the future is two bright for someone who lives in the shadows. So you did it, you escaped, all alone.

_When we met I first noticed how foolish I was  
and how I hurt others by never having faith in them  
Why do I love you tirelessly again  
it seems I can't forget loving you this way.  
But...  
Believing is painful, I was crying by myself  
without being noticed by you, as if you didn't know... _

You think I would learn; I'm like a moth, easily drawn to the flame. I put all these scars on my soul by falling in love. I loved her so dearly, she meant so much then gone, vanished forever ripped from me. Only to be put back warped twisted, not the same, yet I still loved her, she was the fire. It had hurt so much, killing her, my own hands, it was me I killed her, snuffed her life out. It was her screams that chased me through the tortured hallways of my mind.

_I don't wanna hurt anymore than this  
but right now, I wanted to love only you._

With her gone I was destroying myself and enjoying it, her spirit would never find rest as long as I walk this earth. You stopped me you showed me that I could love again; I loved you with all that I am and all that I have. You were my reason for living, but you didn't echo my feelings, you said that we could never be together. You said so many things to deny your feelings; there were so many reasons. False white can only love the night there is no room for others, no reason to further taint the light. So I stood by and watched as you slowly destroyed yourself I couldn't help you. You wouldn't let me but maybe I could have tried harder?

_There were times I tried to forget you,  
but now I want to hold you. _

I loved you so much Ken but now here I am all alone and hurting again while you lay dead. Why must love always die? Why must the shadows always come and suffocate my happiness? Why am I so alone? Because as you said darkness is only fit to love darkness.

_Believing is painful, I knew your past,  
even though you were the one who couldn't forget._

That's the problem with us isn't it? We are stuck, stuck loving phantoms, shadows of the past. That what the black is, the vengeful past intent on stealing your soul to add to itself. You could never forgive yourself for all you did could you? I saw you as a saint figure, you were the innocent one, and none of it was your fault. You were pure, yet you could not let go, not for a moment would they let you be free. That is why you could not love me; you were stuck loving them.

How could I be jealous of something that I can't see, unless it's shining in your eyes; always there haunting you. I'm sure you loved it, and hated its weight at the same time. That is why you are no more, it crushed you, snapping fragile bones, spilling blood. Much like how you really killed yourself, the one shot that ended it all, woke us all from troubled dreams. Omi cried you know, still is. He took it so hard, he shouldn't have been first to see, and he shouldn't have had to add you to his collection of black.

_I don't wanna be hurt more than this  
but its only you, I can't hold tightly. _

I ask you this, did you go know that you were the last thing I loved? Did you go knowing it would crush me? Did you know how much I loved you? Did you go knowing I would follow? Are you happy knowing that the shadows bite at my heels even as I pull out the gun, the very same one- I'm sure no one knows I took it- that you yourself used to end it all. I'm ready, the pressure is unbearable, I feel the black pressing in from all sides, my past screaming at me, there is your voice and there is Asuka's they ring together, demanding my blood as payment for their death, As a way to repent for their pain. I close my eyes, I don't want to see this room, I imagine your smiling face, back in the day when you could still pretend you were happy. I'm sure you never wanted this but I have no choice in the matter I just can't take the pain anymore, your death was the last scratch my soul could bare. You were my flame, the unfeeling flame that I flew straight for only to get burned, laying on the floor writing with agony long after you burnt out unable to fly again, wings damaged. With your face in my mind I tighten my finger on the trigger.

"Good bye fake light"

_August 5th, in the clear and cloudless sky,  
this is it, as I watch myself spread over the ground. _

Aya stood on the other side of the door, the sound of the gunshot rang through the almost empty house, he didn't flinch. Closing sharp violet eyes he let a few more tears fall for lost light and tainted innocence.

_"I hold you" "I watch you" "I love you" "I think of you" _


End file.
